


All My Friends (Take Good Care of Me)

by aw_writing_no



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Kate Bishop Is a Good Bro, M/M, Matchmaking, Nay -- she is the BEST bro and I would die for her, The Avengers play Cupid and they all suck at it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-10-01 03:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17236310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aw_writing_no/pseuds/aw_writing_no
Summary: Natasha sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’re about to pull me into some Hawkeye Squared clusterfuck, aren’t you?”“Not a clusterfuck and not Hawkeye Squared, although I love that you’re onboard with that name. Follow me.”An entire wall of the living room had been taken over as a mission control center. Natasha wrinkled her nose at the disarray of photos and documents -- apparently Kate decided to copy Clint’s “Beautiful Mind” approach to planning missions. God those two were becoming more alike by the day, Natasha should really stage an intervention.“Wait are these all photos of Clint...and Bucky?”ORKate just wants Clint to be happy, even if she has to recruit every Avenger to bully him into going on a date with one Bucky Barnes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Spidergwenstefani](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spidergwenstefani/gifts).



> This is my Winterhawk Fic Exchange present for one of my Winterhawk faves, spidergwenstefani! It's being posted in bits, because I'm a fool who wrote all the chapters out of order. But it will all be up within the next week or so, and I am so excited for you to read it! 
> 
> Shout out to Kangofu_cb for helping me come up with a title, listening to me rant about how writing is hard, and beta-ing!

**Kate** : I’ve got a mission for us, meet at my apartment ASAP

 **Natasha** : We’ve never done a mission together. Ever.

 **Natasha** : Also, how did you get this number?

 **Kate:** I know, but I _need_ you on this.

 **Kate:** Please? It’s about Clint.

 **Natasha** : I’ll be there in 20.

* * *

“Thank God you’re here,” Kate said as she flung the door open. She didn’t bother with greetings, just grabbed Natasha by the sleeve to yank her inside.

Natasha barely managed to swallow an undignified yelp as she pitched forward towards Kate, years of training keeping her upright instead of stumbling into the apartment. She scowled and slapped Kate’s hand away from her arm. Very few people would risk manhandling Black Widow; Kate had clearly been spending too much time with Clint ‘I-have-no-sense-of-boundaries-or-self-preservation’ Barton.

“Sorry,” Kate said. “I probably don’t know you well enough for that kind of casual contact, huh?”

Natasha nodded. “Clint’s really the only one who gets away with touching me like that. Believe me, if he wasn't so fond of you I would have punched you already.” It wasn’t strictly true -- Natasha genuinely liked Kate. But there was no reason for that to be common knowledge.

“That’s probably fair. Although more often than not, people are punching me because I’m associated with Clint. You might be the first to use our friendship as a reason not to deck me.”

“There is something about Clint that makes people want to punch him in the face.”   

“Part of the Hawkeye charm,” Kate said, motioning towards a yellowing bruise on her jaw. “Anyway, you know I wouldn’t reach out if it weren’t important.”

“You said you have a mission for us, but I checked in with Steve and America. There’s nothing on the agenda for us _or_ the Young Avengers.”

Kate cleared her throat and shrugged. “It’s not official business for any variety of Avenger. It’s more of a personal mission.”

Natasha sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’re about to pull me into some Hawkeye Squared clusterfuck, aren’t you?”

“Not a clusterfuck and not Hawkeye Squared, although I love that you’re on board with that name. Follow me.”

An entire wall of the living room had been taken over as a mission control center. Natasha wrinkled her nose at the disarray of photos and documents -- apparently Kate decided to copy Clint’s “Beautiful Mind” approach to planning missions. God those two were becoming more alike by the day; Natasha should really stage an intervention.

“Wait are these all photos of Clint… and Bucky?”

Kate nodded. “That’s the mission. Operation Get Clint Laid. Operation Winter Soldier Hawkeye Love Nest.” She gasped, a manic grin spreading across her face. “Operation Winterhawk!”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I mean, if you have a better name for the op, I’m all ears. You just seemed into the idea of fun nicknames when you referred to me and Clint as Hawkeye Squared.”

“I meant you’re kidding about the mission. Kate, I had _actual_ work to do today. Real missions for S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers. And you’re wasting my time with this?” Natasha scowled, then turned on her heel to leave. “I cannot believe you called me over here to meddle in our friends’ love life.”

Kate reached to grab Natasha’s arm again, then held her hands in a placating gesture when Natasha glared at her. “I knew you wouldn’t come if I mentioned that I wanted to set Clint up with Bucky. Just hear me out, okay?”

Natasha slowly rotated to face the wall of documents “You have two minutes.”

“Okay then,” Kate said. “We both know Clint is an absolute disaster of a human in general, but doubly so when it comes to romantic endeavors. Normally I try to stay as far away from his love life as I can, because Clint is gross and I cannot deal with it. But lately he’s been talking about Bucky non-stop, and I’ve started to watch how they interact. I have never, ever seen him act the way he does around Bucky. He’s... sweet? He goes out of his way to be considerate, he modifies his behavior to make sure nothing triggers Bucky.”

She stepped back to point to a photo. “I mean, just look at them.”

Natasha studied the photo while Kate continued to ramble. It was a candid shot, probably taken from one of the Avenger’s social media pages. In it Clint was gesticulating wildly, clearly in the middle of some ridiculous story. All of the Avengers around him were engaged, but his gaze was solely on Bucky. While the majority of his face was animated, Natasha noticed the small furrow between his brows. He seemed concerned, maybe waiting to see how Bucky reacted to his tale.

Bucky’s expression made something twist in Natasha’s gut. He wasn’t laughing as outrageously as Tony, or looking alarmed like Steve. The corners of his lips curled upward in a soft smile, and his brows were raised above eyes that crinkled with genuine mirth. It was as if he couldn’t quite understand why he was amused.

And maybe she was reading too much into it, but Natasha thought Bucky was looking at Clint with something akin to wonder. Like Clint was the best damn thing he had seen in the past seventy years.

“When have you ever seen someone look at Clint that way?” Kate asked. “Bobbi, Jess... they loved him, sure, but they always seemed exhausted by him. I’ve never seen someone treat Clint like he was a reason to keep going.”

Natasha nodded, stepping away from Kate to look at the rest of the wall. More pictures of Bucky and Clint with looks of disgusting longing whenever the other’s back was turned. Printouts of text conversations between Clint and Kate, with every mention of Bucky’s name circled in purple ink. A collage covered with a rather disturbing web of red string connecting Bucky’s gaze to Clint’s ass.

Natasha stopped again in front of an interview Bucky had given several months back. Kate had highlighted a paragraph two-thirds of the way through  the article.

**_Who on the team inspires you most?_ **

_Hawkeye, hands down. Clint is the human soul of the Avengers. On a team of gods and super soldiers, he’s just a regular guy, you know? He’s a regular guy with a bow and arrow who will go up against monsters and Hydra and robots, and he’ll_ **_win_ **.

_He reminds me a bit of Steve before the war. It doesn’t matter if he’s outnumbered, if the other guy is stronger or has powers. If there’s a chance that he can do something good, something right, Clint will throw himself in head first. It’s annoyingly noble and kind of stupid. [Laughs] Guess I didn’t get my fill of chasing dumb blondes into fights during the 30s._

**_Well when the Winter Soldier and the Avengers have your back, it’s easy to act heroic._ **

_[Pause] Clint Barton_ **_is_ ** _heroic, has been since before I joined the team. Hell, since before_ **_he_ ** _joined the team. Being an Avenger isn’t what makes Clint a hero. He always was._

“Clint _cried_ when he read that,” Kate said. Natasha turned to look at her. Kate looked annoyingly sincere. “We sat curled together on the couch and he cried in my arms. He told me I was the only other person who had ever made him feel like a hero. I want him to always feel like that.”

Natasha sighed. “It wasn’t... he wasn’t always like this. Before New York. Back when we were just S.H.I.E.L.D. agents he was even more cocky than he is now. He was still a mess, still had all his baggage but he was... happier. Confident.” Natasha paused for a moment before voicing something she never before dared to say out loud. “I miss him.”  

“I didn’t know that Clint,” Kate said. “This Clint is my best friend and I don’t think I’ve ever known him to be truly happy. There’s always this layer of self-doubt, hatred even. Times when he’s outright depressed.” She sighed and scrubbed and hand over her face. “This got way deeper than I meant it to.”

Natasha reached out to squeeze Kate’s other hand. “Clint is lucky to have someone like you who loves him.” Kate glanced up at her. “You know I love him too, because you called me. But I’m not the right person to help with this.”

“Why?”

“Because anytime I interfere with that idiot’s love life it puts a strain on our friendship. And maybe it’s selfish, but I can’t risk him resenting me if this ends poorly.”

“Listen, Clint is an idiot, but he’s _our_ idiot and needs our help on this. And I may not know Bucky as well as you do, but I get the vague sense that he is also a moron.”

Natasha smiled. “He is. I still can’t help. I’m sorry.”

Kate didn’t reply, just turned to study the wall. Natasha let herself out of the apartment.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Natasha:** I’m definitely going to regret this, but I’m in. If I ever have to hear Clint wax romantic about Bucky’s hair again, I am going to kill him and then myself.

**Natasha** : Also, you were right. Clint deserves a bit of happiness. Bucky too.

**Kate:** Hell yes! Operation Winterhawk is a go!

**Natasha** : And I’m out again.

**Natasha** : Or I would be, if I hadn’t already challenged Clint and Bucky to a shooting contest.

**Kate** : Good call, Clint gets really slutty when he’s competitive. 

* * *

“You’re an evil genius and I think I love you,” Kate whispered.

Natasha snorted. “Let’s dial it back about 45% there, Hawkeye.”

“No seriously, you’re a genius. This is going  _ so  _ well.” 

Kate glanced over at their marks. The muscles of Clint’s back tensed as he lined up another shot. Bucky stood off to the side, draining a water bottle while his eyes roamed over Clint’s body. If Kate were writing a cheesy romance novel based off their situation, which she most certainly was  _ not _ , she would say he was almost caressing Clint with his gaze.

“Hey Nat,” she said loudly. “Do you look at my biceps like that when I’m taking a shot?” Bucky choked on his water, whirling around to stare at Kate. Summoning every ounce of courage she had, Kate managed to smile in the face of a full-blown Winter Soldier murder glare. “Enjoying the view, Bucky?”

“Maybe if you had skills like these she’d check you out a bit more.” Clint exhaled and released the arrow. It flew straight towards the bullseye, splitting his previous arrow in half.

“Son of a bitch!”

“Watch your fucking language, Katie!” Clint exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air as he walked back towards Bucky. “Told you I could do the Robin Hood shot.”

Bucky moved to high-five Clint, a wide grin on his face. “You keep that shit up, I may have to relinquish my title as World’s Greatest Marksman.”

“As if the title wasn’t already mine.” Clint turned towards Natasha and Kate. “Ready to admit defeat, ladies?”

“Please,” Natasha said, turning her gun over in her hands. She pulled back the slide, making sure there was a round in the chamber. “I haven’t even had a turn yet.” 

“Are you sure you want to try and beat me, Natalia?” Bucky asked. “I  _ did _ teach you every trick you know.” 

Natasha strode over to Bucky and patted him twice on the cheek. “And I learned so many more while you were on ice.” 

“Oh, burn!” Kate loved snarky humans, she and Natasha should really get together more often. Natasha and Bucky turned to stare at her. “What? People still say that.”

Clint’s eyes lit up, and he began to flap his hand at Kate in a way she knew meant a pun was headed her way. “Kate, say it again.”

“Oh, burn?”

“Yeah -- Freezer burn!” 

Clint and Kate burst into laughter, Kate hugging her midsection as if she were trying to physically repress peals of laughter. Clint doubled over, sending Kate further into hysterics when he almost lost his balance. Every time they began to calm down, all it took was one look at Bucky and Natasha’s unamused faces for one of them to start giggling, and the whole process would start again.

“Freezer burn,” Kate wheezed, wiping a tear from her eye. “That was perfect, Hawkeye.”

“Why thank you, Hawkeye.”

“You guys know this is why no one wants to hang out with you, right?” Bucky’s arms were folded sternly cross his chest, although he was losing his battle to keep a smile off his face. “All you do is make stupid jokes and refer to each other as Hawkeye.”

“Yeah, it’s the perfect basis for a friendship,” Kate replied.

“We also eat pizza and play Mario Kart,” Clint said. 

“Oh, let’s play Mario Kart!”

“Later!” Natasha snapped. Kate blinked, surprised at her harsh tone. “We’re in the middle of a competition, remember?”

“Competition, right!” 

As they moved from the archery range to the firearm targets, Natasha pulled Kate off to the side. “No wonder you had to recruit me, you are terrible at this.”

Kate scowled. “I’m not that bad!”

“You almost got Clint to leave without the guy we’re setting him up with.”

“Well excuse me, I’m a private investigator and Young Avenger, not a matchmaker!” Kate said. Natasha raised a brow. “Fine, I just... Mario Kart.”

Natasha shook her head and hurried to catch up with Bucky and Clint, who were already lined up in front of the firearm targets. Bucky raised his gun and quickly emptied the clip. There was a tight cluster of bullet holes at the center of the bulls eye. 

“ твой ход,” he said with a smirk, brushing past Natasha to go and stand by Clint.

Natasha managed to beat Bucky’s score by three points. She curtsied when Kate cheered, “And the student has become the master!”

Clint snorted. “Alright, Katie, then I’m about to take you to school. 

There was a brief interlude while Natasha taught Kate how to shoot a gun and Bucky got a refresher on how to use a bow. Natasha smacked Kate over the head when she realized Kate was more focused on Clint correcting Bucky’s stance than her lesson. 

“Focus,” she said. “I know we want Clint happy and competitive, but I don’t want to lose by that much. Here, hold your fingers like this.”

Natasha and Kate both defeated Bucky at archery, while Clint and Natasha took the sniper and handgun challenges respectively. Kate lost to Bucky and Clint in both firearm challenges, although the score was much closer than she thought it would be. Bucky narrowed his eyes as he studied her target.

“You’ve  _ really _ never fired a gun before?” 

Kate shrugged. “I have good aim.”

“She comes by the Hawkeye name honestly,” Clint said, slinging an arm around her shoulders.  

Kate rolled her eyes and shoved him away. She may have pushed him harder than necessary, sending him stumbling into Bucky. He face planted directly against Bucky’s chest.

“Whoa,” Bucky said, grasping Clint by the biceps to help him regain his balance. “I usually let a guy buy me a drink first before they get this up close and personal.” 

Clint’s eyes were still fixed on Bucky’s chest, clearly appreciating the way sweat clung to the lines of his pectorals. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“Eyes are up here, pal.”

Clint’s gaze snapped up to meet Bucky’s. He flushed pink. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said, I usually make a guy buy me a drink before they bury their face in my cleavage.”

Kate sidled up to Natasha. “Oh my God, it’s  _ happening _ ,” she hissed.

Natasha shushed her. “Shut up, you are not  _ nearly _ as quiet as you think you are.” Kate didn’t reply, just wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

“Drinks, yeah, I can do drinks.” 

“I’m sure you can,” Bucky laughed, clapping Clint on the shoulder before he released his grip on the other man’s arms. “Let’s get back to kicking some protege ass, okay?”

Clint changed from “flustered idiot” to “cocky asshole” almost faster than Kate could blink. “Kids these days, thinking they can usurp their mentors.” 

“The Red Room wasn’t big on mentorship,” Natasha said. “Mostly they just had him glower at us while we ran through drills.” 

Kate snorted. “What, you didn’t have teacher-student lunches with the Winter Soldier? Surely secret Russian operatives know the key to weaponizing young girls is bribing them with food?” Kate’s hand flew to cover her mouth. “Shit, I didn’t mean -- ”

“You know what,” Natasha interrupted, pretending to look thoughtful, “I’m pretty sure he gave me a pierogi once.” 

“There were no pierogies in the Red Room!” Bucky yelled. 

Clint patted his metal shoulder sympathetically. “Just when I thought those Soviet bastards couldn’t get any worse.” He turned to look at Kate and Natasha. “I believe the last challenge is knives?” 

“Don’t worry Nat, I got this,” Kate said. Her first throw sent the knife flying past the target to embed itself in the wall. “Uh, oh. Maybe I don’t got this.” 

Clint and Bucky won pretty easily after that.

“Sorry we lost,” Kate said. “I’m pretty sure I was the weak link there.”

Natasha laughed. “Of course you were. How dare you be younger and less experienced? It’s almost as if you haven’t spent years as an assassin for a shady government organization.”

“Huh. I guess you guys were all assassins... what does that say about my choice in friends?”

“That’s a problem for your shrink,” Natasha said. “Look, I hate losing, but you were fine. Besides, I think we won in other ways.” She jerked her chin, prompting Kate to look over her shoulder. Bucky was leaning against the wall, watching Clint do a complicated victory dance. His moves became more and more absurd as Bucky laughed at him.

Kate grinned. “Like I said, you’re an evil genius.” 

When Clint finally stopped dancing, he slumped against the wall and leaned into Bucky. “God, I love winning.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, looking down at Clint’s head resting against his shoulder. The corners of his lips curled upward in a soft smile. “Yeah, it’s the best.”

Clint tilted his face up to meet Bucky’s eyes. He grinned. “Victory drinks?”

Bucky swallowed. “I can’t, I’m getting dinner with Steve and Sam. Can we raincheck?”

“Yeah, no worries,” Clint said, although the tone of his voice made Kate think that he did, in fact, have many worries. He pushed himself off the wall. “I’m not afraid of drinking solo. One of the winners should go out and celebrate.” 

Kate’s eyes widened, and she turned to Natasha, panicked. “Confident, slutty Clint  _ cannot _ be allowed to go to a bar unsupervised. He will definitely end up getting a blowjob in a back alley.” 

“Or giving one,” Natasha replied. She sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose.  “Alright, let’s go.”

“Hey Clint!” Kate yelled. “Hold up. Losers buy drinks, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> твой ход - Your move
> 
> ...According to Google Translate, anyway


	3. Chapter 3

[ _Steve Rogers has joined the chat_ ]

 **Kate:** Excellent work, Natasha, bringing in the big guns!

 **Steve:** I don’t appreciate being objectified, Hawkeye.

 **Kate:** I WASN’T! It’s slang, I promise.

 **Natasha:** Kate doesn’t know how much of a troll you are, Rogers, lay off.

 **Stev** **e:** Sorry, Kate.

 **Steve:** So, what’s this secret op Romanoff was telling me about?

 **Natasha** **:** We’re trying to get Barton and Barnes to pull their heads out of their asses and go on a date.

 **Kate** **:** The UST is killing me.

 **Steve** **:** UST?

 **Natasha** **:** Unresolved sexual tension. Kate, the man is 95, use complete sentences and fewer of your millennial  acronyms.

 **Steve** **:** STFU, Natasha. Why do you need me for this?

 **Kate** **:** If you were to send Bucky and Clint on more solo missions together, the close quarters and adrenaline _may_ get one of them to finally make a move.

 **Steve** **:** Let me get this straight. You want me to abuse my position as team leader in an attempt to get my best friend laid?

 **Kate** **:** ....Yes?

 **Natasha:** Is that a problem?

 **Steve** **:** No, sounds fun. Let’s do it.

* * *

Steve wandered into the kitchen, raising an eyebrow at Kate perched awkwardly on the counter. Water dripped from her hair, and grease splattered across the kitchen as she animatedly told a story while trying to hold on to a slice of cheese pizza. Natasha sat at the table, nibbling daintily on a piece of crust and staring at Kate with a mixture of amusement and disgust.

“Ladies,” he said in greeting. Natasha gave him a faint smile and a nod, while Kate saluted him with her pizza. She scowled as a piece of cheese fell onto her nose.

“You’ve been hanging around the tower a lot recently, Kate,” Steve commented as he began assembling the ingredients for a protein shake. “Do you have a room here I didn’t know about? A shower?”

“You guys have a great locker room,” Kate said.  

“So you come over just to shower?”

Kate finished the rest of her pizza, shoving more food in her mouth than was strictly advisable. “Of course not,” she mumbled around a mouthful of cheese. “Natasha is teaching me how to shoot guns.”

Steve wrinkled his nose and settled in the chair next to Natasha. “Don’t talk with your mouth full. You’ve been spending too much time with Clint.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying,” Natasha said.

“He’s my best friend, guys, why wouldn’t we hang out a lot?”

“He’s my best friend too, and we aren’t connected at the hip like you are. And I certainly have’t adopted his manners.” Natasha emphasized her point by taking a delicate sip of tea from the mug to her left. Steve snorted and shoved her feet off the table, unimpressed.

“Hey!” Natasha protested, just as Kate snapped, “I have _much_ better manners than Clint, thank you.”

“Kate, you have sauce all over your face,” Steve said.  He grinned as she swiped a hand across her mouth, then opened her cellphone camera on selfie-mode to inspect her cheeks for anymore food. She stuck her tongue out at him after realizing “all over your face” meant a tiny corner of her lips.  

“Seriously, you and Clint have been like the Wonder Twins lately, it’s kind of disturbing,” Natasha said.

“That’s not true, he’s been spending loads of time with his new BFF Bucky.” Kate sighed. “It’s just --”

“A Hawkeye thing,” Natasha and Steve finished.

Kate glared at them. “Speaking of manners, it’s rude to interrupt.”

“Speaking of Clint and his new BFF Bucky,” Steve said. “This is the third mission I’ve sent them on together. I’m starting to run out of random Hydra or AIM bases that require two snipers to surveil. Are we seeing any progress on Operation Winterhawk?”

“Not you too,” Natasha groaned.

Kate laughed. “The man was created in Project Rebirth, Tasha, of course he’s interested in a snappy code name.”

“I thought only Clint could call you Tasha?” Steve glanced between Kate and Natasha, his eyebrows drawn together.

Natasha smirked. “I guess it’s a Hawkeye thing. But no, last we heard there’s nothing to report on the Clint-Bucky front.”

“Are we operating under the assumption that they would tell us they were dating?” Steve hated that he even had to ask. Before the fall, before Hydra and cryo and decades of murder, Bucky told him everything. There were no secrets -- sometimes Bucky was a little _too_ open about his romantic endeavors. Bucky had even told him about his attraction men at a time when homosexuality was taboo, because their trust was so solid.

After, despite being his best friend, Bucky was still a closed book. Steve had a hard time deciphering his blank expressions, and getting him to to talk about his feeling was almost as difficult as getting Tony to shut up about his.

“I mean we hope they would,” Kate said. “But we’re also massively invading their privacy and spying on them regularly.”

“Occasionally reading their text messages, having Jarvis give us sit reps when they’re on the range,” Natasha confirmed.

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “And I’m involved in this why?”

“Because you’re a hopeless romantic and want your best friend to be happy?” Kate said, a hint of hesitation in her voice.

“No, it’s because he’s just as nosy and interfering as the rest of us,” Natasha said.

“You know what, Romanoff? Keep that up and Kate here is going to replace you as my second in command.” Steve didn’t mention that part of his motivation was to see if Bucky would actually tell him if he and Clint started dating. Let them think his intentions were pure.

Kate placed a hand over her heart dramatically. “Tasha, tell Ms. Chavez that I’ll miss her, but _Captain_ America needs me and I must answer the call.”

“Tell her yourself,” Natasha muttered, and there was just a _hint_ of something in her voice that made Steve glance at her sharply. Kate didn’t seem to notice, and started babbling about demoting Clint to the Young Avengers.

“Anyway,” Steve interrupted. “Bucky and Clint should be back any minute now. JARVIS?”

“Sergeant Barnes and Agent Barton have landed and are on their way down.”

“Are they all over each other? Helplessly ass-over-tits in love?” Kate asked.

“Not exactly.”

A _ding_ announced Bucky and Clint’s arrival on the common floor. The elevator doors slid open, and loud voices spilled out.

“For fuck’s sake, how can you be so inconsiderate?” There was more emotion in Bucky’s voice than Steve had heard in years -- he just wished it wasn’t anger that was dripping from his every word.

“I’m inconsiderate? You’re the one who did not stop _bitching_ the entire mission!”

Clint and Bucky wandered into view, both looking like they were an inch away from committing homicide. They didn’t acknowledge anyone else, just glared at each other as they came to a stop in front of the entrance to the kitchen.

“Because you left your shit everywhere!”

“We were practically living in a closet, where was I supposed to store my things?”

“I managed to keep my stuff organized,” Bucky said. “Maybe if you didn’t just shove your things into a garbage bag --”

“It was a duffel bag!”

“Maybe if you didn’t just shove your shit in a bag, you’d be able to find things without throwing things everywhere. And you somehow managed to leave fast food wrappers all over the place. Where did you even find a McDonalds?”

“Sorry I didn’t have a neatly stacked pile of MREs shoved in a corner!”

Steve glanced at Kate and Natasha, who were staring at Clint and Bucky with equal looks of horror. Shit. This had backfired spectacularly. He caught Natasha’s eye and mouthed, _Should we intervene?_ She shook her head almost imperceptibly.

“Because you didn’t even bother to prepare for the mission.” Bucky emphasized his words with a hard poke to Clint’s chest. “You didn’t prepare and you made me deal with the Barton chaos that follows you everywhere.”

“I’m sorry my existence is so stressful for you,” Clint said through gritted teeth. “But have you considered that not everyone needs their living conditions to be as sterile as a fucking cryo tube?”

There was a moment of stunned silence. Bucky’s lips parted slightly in shock, then his mouth slammed shut as the muscles in his jaw clenched forcefully.

“Fuck you, Barton.” Bucky turned on his heel and stormed out of the room.

“Clint, what the hell was that?” Clint startled at the sound of Kate’s voice, then stalked past her to get to the fridge.

“Piss off, Katie. What the hell are you even doing here?”

“ _Clint_ ,” Natasha said sharply. “Don’t talk to her like that. It’s not her fault you were a complete ass just now.”

Clint scowled, but didn’t bother to reply. He yanked the fridge open, using excessive force as if the door had personally wronged him. He grabbed two beers from the shelf and slammed it shut.

“Clint, it’s barely after twelve,” Steve began. He was silenced by Clint’s glare. Kate, Natasha, and Steve watched him as he stomped towards the elevator and out of sight.

“Well,” Kate said. “Shit.”

“That about sums it up,” Steve replied.

Natasha cursed in Russian under her breath. “We forgot to factor in the fact that Clint is a total slob.”

“And Bucky is obsessively neat,” Steve said. “I can’t believe this wasn’t a problem on previous missions.”

Kate shrugged. “Prolonged exposure to Clint can have that effect. Some people tolerate more than others.”

“Your tolerance for Clint is sky high,” Natasha commented. Steve nodded in agreement.

“What part of best friend don’t you guys understand? Also, you’re acting like I don’t call him out on his shit constantly.”

“Good girl,” Natasha said with a grin. Steve suppressed a smirk when Kate’s cheeks flushed pink at the praise.

“So did we just totally screw up the mission?” Steve asked.

“Nah,” Kate replied. “Clint’s pretty good at charming his way back into people’s good graces.”

“And when that fails he’s excellent at groveling,” Natasha added.

“Back to the drawing board,” Kate said, launching herself off the counter.

“Don’t you mean stalker wall?”

“ _Drawing board._ ”

“Whatever you say, Hawkeye.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So maybe Tony is a romantic at heart. But if you tell anyone, you'll definitely get a repulsor beam to the face.

[ _ Tony Stark has entered the chat _ ]

**Steve** : Seriously, Nat? Tony?

**Natasha** : Our last attempt was an epic fail, Steve. We need an outsider’s perspective. 

**Tony** : I’m offended you invited Steve to the matchmaking shenanigans before me. If you had included me earlier, Katniss and Terminator would have been screwing months ago. 

**Kate** : We didn’t think it would be this hard, have you  _ seen _ the heart eyes?

**Steve** : Please, you don’t care about getting them together, you just don’t like being left out.

**Tony** : Incorrect, Rogers, rude and incorrect.

**Tony:** Luckily for all of you, I have the perfect plan.

**Natasha** : Please share with the class.

**Tony** : Bruciekins and I have been working on a new arm for our frosty friend the past few months. Between the changes I’ve made to the sensors and Bruce’s new schematics for re-wiring the arm to his nervous system, Bucky should be able to sense pressure, temperature, even texture. 

**Kate** : Congrats, you’re a genius. How does this help us?

**Tony** : Well, Hawkling, what happens when I bully Clint into helping me recalibrate the arm? Poking, prodding, caressing... The first thing Bucky feels in seventy years will be Clint’s skin.

**Steve** : That’s... really romantic, actually.

**Tony** : Also, the new plates will be far more conducive to giving hand jobs.

[ _ Steve Rogers has left the chat _ ]

* * *

 

Tony was beginning to think he had overestimated the romance of bionic limb repair. 

Dr. Cho and Bruce were finally finished weaving together the frayed ends of Bucky’s nerves with the synthetic receptors of the new arm. It had taken longer than expected, mostly because Dr. Cho insisted on giving Bucky breaks anytime his heart rate elevated. The whole process had to be done without any pain medication or anesthesia, and apparently she did not trust Bucky to be honest about his limits when it came to the arm.

Smart lady, that Dr. Cho. 

The muscle around the arc reactor ached as Tony studied the vacant expression on Bucky’s face.  For hours he had only moved or spoken when prompted, his responses wooden, rehearsed. Tony kept reminding himself that they were  _ helping _ Bucky, not putting him through painful experiments to create a weapon.

Bucky shifted in his seat when Clint entered the lab. He kept his eyes fixed on the archer while Bruce and Tony walked him through a series of commands -- curl your first, make a peace sign, flip Clint off. Clint, for his part, was focused on teaching Dum-E an intricate secret handshake that appeared to involve nose boops. 

“Why is Clint here?” Bucky finally asked. Clint, who was attempting to get Dum-E to twirl beneath his arm, startled slightly at his voice.

“Because he’s usually the idiot smacking your shoulder, it makes sense to calibrate your arm to deal with his constant annoyance,” Tony replied. 

“So you’re going to take away all sensation?”

“Please, as if you don’t yearn for these hands on your robot flesh,” Clint scoffed. His gaze lingered on Bucky’s naked chest.

“I’m yearning for something all right,” Bucky drawled, and  _ yes _ , Tony was the best, suck it Rogers. These two were practically eye-fucking in Tony’s lab, now all Clint needed was a smooth line to seal the deal --

“The soft touch of a pancake?” Clint asked.

“The soft touch of a pancake,” Bucky confirmed.

“Are you two... meme-ing?” Tony sounded incredulous. “Barnes, you know what a meme is? Steve can’t even log on to Twitter.”

“Steve just likes to fuck with you, Tony,” Bucky said. “Alright, Clint, I guess if there aren’t any pancakes around you’ll have to do.”

“Don’t worry, Barnes, I’m always here to feel you up when you need.”

“Do you two even  _ hear _ yourselves?” Tony shook his head when Bucky and Clint just stared at him blankly. “Whatever. Clint, go fuck with Bucky’s arm. Bucky I’m going to need feedback from you as well as from the sensor readouts so we can try to get your Terminator arm as human-like as possible. 

Twenty minutes passed as Clint poked and prodded Bucky’s arm. The motions were exaggerated at first, then softened as they tried to get more nuanced readings.

Clint grasped the metal hand in both of his and brought it to his face for closer inspection. “I really like matte finish on the metal,” he informed Bucky. He laughed when Dum-E rolled over to poke at the hand as well.

Bucky stilled. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Clint’s brow furrowed. “Could you feel that?”

“I could feel your laugh,” Bucky whispered. He gently shook his hand out of Clint’s grasp and reached forward to cup Clint’s cheek. He swiped a metal thumb across Clint’s lips, giggling a bit hysterically as Clint hummed against the pressure. 

Tony willed himself to melt into the floor because this was  _ working _ and he was the  _ best _ . He just needed to give these two some alone time and the deal would be sealed. Oh god, maybe this worked  _ too _ well, he wasn’t even sure they would make it out of the lab at this rate...

Clint turned his face into Bucky’s hand and licked his tongue across the metal palm in a long, wet stroke. Bucky yanked his hand away, his right hand instantly forming a fist and connecting with Clint’s nose.

“What the fuck!” Tony yelled. “Clint, that was  _ not _ sexy!”

“Of course it wasn’t sexy, it was hilarious!” Clint brought his hand up to his nose, trying to staunch the flow of blood. “Bucky just doesn’t have a sense of humor.”

Bucky didn’t reply, just kept staring at his palm. 

“Bucky?”

“I... felt that. I felt how wet it was. Stark, I felt that!” Bucky launched himself at Tony, wrapping him in a hug that was a shade too tight. Tony yelped. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Bucky murmured into Tony’s hair. He pulled away to meet Tony’s gaze. “Please let me buy you a drink or something. I owe you.”

Tony cleared his throat and glanced at Clint. Both of his fists were clenched at his sides, his bloody nose forgotten as he stared at the other two men hugging. 

“Jesus, Barton, you’re bleeding all over my lab.” Clint jumped at the sound of Tony’s voice. “You should get that looked at.”

“I’ll take him to medical,” Bucky offered. He squeezed Tony’s shoulder before herding Clint out of the lab. “Seriously, Tony. Drinks on me.”

Tony waited for the elevator doors to slide closed behind them before dialing Kate.

“Please tell me you’re calling because your romantic plot was a huge success and your lab is otherwise occupied. I’m up on Natasha’s floor if you need somewhere to lay low,” Kate said in lieu of a greeting. 

Tony sighed. “Well, the lab  _ is _ currently occupied by the cleaning crew who is mopping up a rather alarming amount of blood. Also, I don’t remember giving you a key to my tower, why the hell are you always here?”

“Please, like I would need a key,” Kate said with a laugh. Tony pouted.  _ Fucking Hawkeyes _ . “Let me guess, Clint did something stupid and ended up in medical?”

“Yeah, he licked Barnes and got a bloody nose as a thank you. And then... and then Bucky asked  _ me _ out to drinks.”

“So your genius plan to get Clint and Bucky together ended up with one of them in the hospital and the other one asking you out?”

Tony sputtered indignantly, and when he couldn’t think of a witty one-liner he ended the call without so much as a goodbye. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam convinces the team to bring it back to the basics.

[ _ Sam Wilson has entered the chat _ ]

**Steve:** I’ve recruited Sam to our cause. 

**Tony:** Excellent! His Falcon instincts will give us keen insight into the Barton Bird Brain.

**Natasha** : He’s also the only person on the team who isn’t emotionally stunted in some way. 

**Sam:** Thanks for the ringing endorsement, Romanoff. 

**Kate:** I don’t think we’ve met yet, Sam, but since you’re Falcon I like you on principle. 

**Sam:** Hell yeah, Hawkeye! Birds of a feather have to flock together. 

**Natasha** : Please, no. I get enough bird puns from Sam and Clint alone.

**Kate** : Too late, we’ve bonded. Alright, new BFF, wow us with your plan.

**Sam:** The reason all of your plans have failed is because they’re too complicated. Got to bring it back to the basics. 

**Sam:** It’s almost Christmas, so here’s the plan: mistletoe.

**Natasha** : Goddamnit, Sam, I vouched for you. 

**Steve:** It  _ is _ a bit simple.

**Sam:** Dude, it’s Barnes and Barton. BARTON. Simple man, simple plan.

**Tony:** He makes a compelling point.

* * *

There was nothing subtle about the placement of the mistletoe.

Sam had decided to leave nothing to chance. There were sprigs of mistletoe over the coffee maker and hanging at the entrance to the range. There was mistletoe between the kitchen and the living room. There was even some hanging in one of the vents Clint liked to frequent.

In order to encourage Bucky and Clint, the entire team was forced to kiss beneath any mistletoe they encountered. Everyone complied, with varying degrees of comfort and tongue. 

So far this week, Sam had learned the following about his teammates: Wanda wears raspberry-flavored chapstick; Natasha is exceptionally skilled at fly-by cheek kisses while still walking; Bruce always tastes like spearmint; Thor likes to dramatically dip his partners before giving loud, smacking kisses; Tony will always go immediately for tongue; and Steve has a  _ delicious _ full-body blush after you turn his attempted peck-on-the-cheek into a full kiss. 

Everyone had kissed just about everyone, really. Only Clint and Bucky had escaped the chaos un-smooched.

“This is bullshit,” Sam hissed, pulling away from Tony to swipe a hand across his lips. From across the gym, Clint  _ whooped _ loudly. “I’ve kissed Tony about 18 times in the past few days, and Clint hasn’t stepped under mistletoe once. Also, I definitely did  _ not _ leave mistletoe here.”

“Don’t be rude, Wilson, do you have any idea how many people would kill to be in your place right now?” Tony replied. “But you’re right, this isn’t working, Barton and Barnes haven’t come close to kissing. I knew this plan was too simple.”

“You didn’t know shit,” Sam said. “ _ Steve _ thought it was too simple.”

“Nuance,” Tony said, waving a hand dismissively at Sam. “Time to get JARVIS and the bots in on this.”

* * *

 

“For the last time, Clint, if you try to put sour cream on one of my latkes I will fucking smite you.” 

“It’s a traditional accompaniment!” Clint exclaimed. “Wanda, back me up here.” 

“Do not involve me in your lover’s quarrel,” Wanda said. She leaned across the table and continued to paint Kate’s fingernails a deep, vibrant purple. “The biggest fight Pietro and I ever had was when we were fourteen and couldn’t afford both sour cream and applesauce for Hanukkah. Latke feuds can tear families apart.”

“I  _ will _ tear you apart if you put sour cream anywhere near these latkes.” Bucky pointed a spatula threateningly at Clint’s face, which he slapped away with scowl. 

Sam watched the proceedings with an amused snort before pulling out his phone to shoot Tony at text.  _ Clint and Bucky are standing together by the stove. Whatever your high-tech solution to the mistletoe problem is, you should engage it now _ .

_ That’s a copy, Big Bird.  _

“Objectively, sour cream is more assertive and supports the necessary oniony undertones of a good latke. Motts is way too watery -- “ 

“Motts? Does this look like jarred swill to you?” Bucky motioned to the stove, where a covered pot emanated a heavenly aroma of apples and cinnamon. 

“I don’t know, dude, the lid is on,” Clint said. “It smells amazing though.”

“Bucky’s right,” Kate piped up from the table, admiring her nails before gesturing for Wanda to give her her hand. She unscrewed a bottle of crimson polish and began to paint Wanda’s thumbnail. “Sour cream is disgusting and has no place on any dish ever.”

“That’s not even remotely what he said, Katie. Also, why are you here?”

“Natasha invited me over for latkes. Plus Wanda had a new polish I wanted to try.”

“You’re  _ my _ protege and best friend. Mine, not Natasha’s. I should invite you over for latkes, not her.”

“And yet you never do.”

“Natasha isn’t even here!” 

“She’ll be down shortly. You don’t have exclusive access to Kate, Clint,” Wanda commented. “We are allowed to hang out with her even if you aren’t around.” 

“Bucky, Wanda and Nat are stealing my friends.”

“You’ll get through this,” Bucky said. He turned to Kate and said, “If you spend much more time with Natasha we’re going to have to revoke your Hawkeye title. Give you a more Black Widow adjacent name.”

Kate scoffed. “How would that even work?”

“We could call you  _ arañita _ , for little spider,” Wanda suggested. Kate glared and purposefully smudged the polish on Wanda’s next nail. 

_ Any day now,  _ Sam texted to Tony.

_ Hang on, literally happening as we type _ . 

As Clint, Bucky, and Wanda continued to debate new codenames for Kate, who insisted she did  _ not _ want to be the new Black Widow, Dum-E came rolling into the kitchen. He had a Santa Hat perched in the location of his usual dunce cap, a sprig of mistletoe firmly grasped in his claw. He rolled up to Clint and Bucky, chirping happily as he held the mistletoe over their heads. 

_ Real subtle, Stark _ .

_ You’re the one who said we needed to be as subtle as a sledgehammer with Barton.  _

Bucky glanced at Dum-E before turning back to the stove and flipping the latkes. “Is that mistletoe?”

“I don’t think so,” Clint responded. “Looks like parsley to me.” 

“Why in the world would Dum-E be carrying around parsley?” Sam asked. Seriously, there was no fucking way Clint was weaseling his way out of this. “It’s mistletoe dude, you guys need to kiss. We’ve been doing it all week.”

“No, it’s definitely parsley.”

“You don’t even know what parsley is,” Kate said.

“Sure I do. I used to put dried parsley in little plastic baggies and tell high schoolers it was weed. Sold it for $40 a pop.”

“Are you confessing to a sordid past as a drug dealer?” Bucky asked with a grin.

“ _ Fake _ drug dealer. So yeah, I know parsley, that’s definitely parsley.” Clint reached out to pluck the mistletoe from Dum-E’s claw. He turned it over in his hand, then bit off several leaves and began to chew.

“Clint what the fuck!” Sam strode across the kitchen to knock the rest of the sprig out of Clint’s hand. “You can’t eat mistletoe.”

“It’s not mistletoe, it’s --” Clint’s face turned deep red and he began sputtering. “It’s --” He rushed to the sink, coughing and spitting bits of leaf. He turned on the water and began to rinse his mouth. “Oh God, it’s not parsley.”

“No shit,” Bucky said, glancing at Clint with mild amusement as he began plating the latkes. “You’re disgusting, Barton. I’m definitely not kissing you now.”  

Sam heard a loud  _ bang _ as Kate slammed her forehead against the table.

“It tastes so bad,” Clint whined. “Why does it taste so bad?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Here,” he said, taking the lid off the applesauce pot and scooping some up into a ladle. “This should help get the taste out.” He blew gently on the applesauce before holding the utensil out to Clint. Clint accepted it gratefully.

“Sweet fuck, this is  _ delicious _ ,” Clint moaned. “Alright, you converted me. Sour cream sucks, applesauce all the way.” 

“Are you done choking now, Clint?” Sam asked. Clint nodded and slurped more applesauce off of the ladle. “Good, cause y’all still need to kiss.” 

“Kiss, kiss, kiss --” Kate began to chant.

“Can’t, sorry,” Bucky said. “Clint ate the mistletoe, so there’s nothing to kiss under. Besides, latkes are ready.” 

Sam accepted a plateful of latkes with a sigh, moving dutifully to the stove to spoon a pool of applesauce over top. How the  _ fuck _ had that failed?

* * *

 

Sam took down most of the mistletoe after that. He left a few sprigs around the Tower, purely to be festive, but was not nearly as adamant that everyone kiss beneath them.

A week later he paused his workout routine, taking a large gulp of water as he watched Natasha and Kate spar. Kate managed to dodge a punch, throwing herself into a slightly awkward cartwheel that Sam had only ever seen Natasha execute elegantly. He smiled. Maybe they  _ should _ start calling Kate  _ arañita.  _

A loud  _ clang _ brought their fight to a stop. They looked up toward the ceiling, where a cluster of leaves on a string was being lowered from a vent.

“Time for a taste of your own medicine, Katie!” 

Kate’s eyes widened as she looked at the mistletoe descending on her and Natasha. “That’s parsley, right?”

“Nope, mistletoe!” Clint called from the ceiling. “Taste tested and Hawkeye approved.” 

Natasha rolled her eyes and turned to rummage through her gym bag. She clasped something around her wrist then joined Kate in staring up at the twirling plant. 

“If I eat it, can I get out of this?” Kate asked. The mistletoe jerked up into the air, further out of her reach.

“You can’t eat what you can’t reach, Kate!”

Natasha patted Kate’s shoulder and signaled for her to step aside with a jerk of her head. Then she raised her wrist, aiming the Widow’s Bite a the vent, and fired. The shock disc zipped through the air, sailing perfectly between the slits of the vent. 

The mistletoe fell to the ground as Clint yelped. There were several loud crashes, as if Clint were convulsing within the vent. “Fuck, Natasha what the shit,  _ ow _ .” 

Kate turned to Natasha with a wide grin. “Excellent work, Tasha.” When Natasha didn’t reply, her smile faltered slightly. “Natasha?”

Natasha leaned forward and pressed her lips gently against Kate’s. “Merry Christmas, Kate,” she whispered. Then she turned on her heel and sauntered out of the gym, scooping her gym bag off the floor as she left. Kate watched her retreat in silence.

Kate turned to Sam. “You saw that, right?”

Sam laughed. “Yeah, I saw.” Another curse from the vent brought his attention back to Clint. “You okay?” he called.

“Of course I’m okay,” Kate said, her voice pitched slightly higher than normal. “You guys have been kissing each other for weeks, it doesn’t  _ mean _ anything --” 

“I was talking to your electrocuted counterpart in the ceiling, Kate.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Clint said. “Not the first time Natasha’s shocked me.”

“You deserved it,” Kate yelled.

“That’s no way to thank me, Katie-Kate!”

“Why the hell would I thank you?” She strode across the gym and got in the elevator, muttering about ceiling vents that need better security. Just before the doors closed, Sam saw her touch her fingers to her lips with a soft smile.

He laughed and turned back to the weight machine. Fucking oblivious Hawkeyes. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks @sevdrag and @kangofu_cb for peeking at this!
> 
> At least 87% of the latke dialogue is lifted directly from a feud @spidergwenstefani and I had two days ago. It was heated, but we managed to escape with our friendship intact. (Guess which side of the feud I fell on -- the RIGHT side, clearly).


End file.
